Why does Corona taste like a burp?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
