I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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