New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
