Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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