I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
