I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
