dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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