woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
