I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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