She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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