I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
