oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
