A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
