I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
