So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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