also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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