Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
