oh god the rape fog is back!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
