it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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