my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
