She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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