I wish my penis had an off switch
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
