its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
