Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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