My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
