It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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