i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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