Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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