you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
