Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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