Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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