In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
