My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
