I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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