did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
