So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
