my phone needs a breathalizer
she woke up with a sticky ear
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
