Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
