a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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