if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
