i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
it's like iHOP with fire
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
