Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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