i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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