Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Randomize
