I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
