The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Randomize
