currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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