i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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