I'm gonna have a badass scar
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
