We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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