I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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