The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
