We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
as a side note pls kill me
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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