The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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