Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize