could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
