shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
