Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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